(Note: I was informed by the sender of this item that this is an actual
essay written by Hugh Gallagher, a college applicant to NYU, and that he
was accepted and was attending NYU at the time I received the item.)

3A.   IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
      KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
      FOLLOWING QUESTION:
        ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
        ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE
        YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice.  I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention.  I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I
can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and
I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert
in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin
from a horde of ferocious army ants.  I play bluegrass cello, I
was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries.  When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges
in my yard.  I enjoy urban hang gliding.  On Wednesdays, after
school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless
bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of
corduroy evening wear.  I don't perspire.  I am a private
citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have been caller number nine
and have won the weekend passes.  Last summer I toured New Jersey 
with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.  I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in
international botany circles.  Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy.  I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening.  I know the exact location of every
food item in the supermarket.  I have performed several covert
operations with the CIA.  I sleep once a week; when I do sleep,
I sleep in a chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery.  The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all
paid.  On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in
full-contact origami.  Years ago I discovered the meaning of
life but forgot to write it down.  I have made extraordinary
four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at
the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and
I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.